There's nothing good about good-bye

Growing up, I was very lucky to have a close relationship with my grandparents. I was their only grandchild (until I was almost 16, when my cousin was born) and they were the only grandparents I ever knew. While other kids only saw theirs for holidays, special occasions and the like, I lived in the same building with mine (on the same floor no less) until I was about 13 yrs old. Even when my parents and I moved, it was only 2 blocks away. All of my childhood memories involve the 5 of us - holidays, birthdays, family trips, graduations, etc.

When my grandmother passed away almost 5 years ago, I was devastated. It was my first real experience with the death of a loved one and I went to the hospital every single day for 2 months to see her as she slowly deteriorated, always hoping some miracle might happen and she would stay with us. She didn't. Afterwards, we worried for my grandfather and how he would survive without her, given that she had always taken care of the house, the bills, and everything. Surprisingly, he managed rather well after some time and was mostly self-sufficient.

A few years went by and then he got pneumonia. To make a very long story short, it was pretty much downhill from there. He got through the pneumonia, but over the last 2 years other complications arose. He had to have a pacemaker and soon after, his ability to take care of himself, as well as his mental capacity, started to dwindle. As a family, we decided it best to place him in a home where he could get the care he needed and be with people his own age.

In the last 2 months, he's had pneumonia twice and since then has been on a respirator, a feeding tube and basically just wasting away. Now it's just a matter of time and he could pass as soon as next week. Talking to my mom last night, we started to make plans to say our good-byes and until that moment it didn't seem real. Today's my favorite holiday and I can't enjoy it; work is a joke I couldn't care less about. I was trying to keep it together until today when a friend called to simply see how I was and I just lost it.

Sorry for this really depressing (and slightly rambling) post but I simply had to get some of this out. All these feelings that I don't know what to do with. To have had someone in my life who truly thought I was this amazing, special, brilliant, beautiful person who could do anything - it's been a truly precious gift that I probably never fully appreciated and can never be replaced.