Been There, Done That, Got the T-shirt

For all of the amazing, smart women who need to know they aren't the only ones, a brilliant post (and pretty good blog) that I just had to draw attention to:

If I am the best thing that ever happened to him, why isn’t he in love with me?

There are things a man can say that we grab on to when we’re looking for reasons to stay with him. I call them Life Lines. As in, a man throws them to a woman when she’s asking him to be a grown-up in love, and/or he feels that his neck might be on the chopping block.

And with those Life Lines, we allow the guy to save HIMSELF:

“Baby, it was a one-time thing.”
“I promise; I’ll leave her.”
“You can’t expect me to be monogamous. I’m a man.”
"You're so strong [and so therefore, I can be weak]."
“I don’t know what I’d do without you [but I’m still not willing to treat you right].”

Excuses for bad behavior. Empty promises. Self-serving suggestions for how to conduct the relationship. And sometimes, flattery that cleverly distracts us from the real chopping-block issues.

Here’s a recent letter I received from Jen. See if you can spot the Life Lines of the man she’s involved with:

I've been dating this guy for ten months and he's everything I wanted in a man and in a relationship but the problem is that he said he loves me but is not "in love "with me and just to go with the flow and that I'm different from the other women he's been with and that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and said that he's commitment phobic because of his past experiences with other women.

The problem is I'm in love with him and now I'm more confused than ever and what should I say to him? I really want more than he is willing to give, he's been honest about his feelings but I know deep inside that he really cares but is scared-what should I say to him? Should I stay in this relationship or not?

In my response to Jen, I strongly encouraged her to leave the relationship. But I know it won't be easy -- and not just because she's in love with him. The guy she's involved with manages to dodge the commitment bullet, yet still says some "right things" that Jen chooses to grab on to.

Speaking of dodging the commitment bullet, let's start with this Life Line:

Just go with the flow.

Translation: With your consent, I’d like to remain on the receiving end of your unconditionally good loving (and the sex…), knowing perfectly well that you’re falling more in love with me and I can’t give you what you want.

And of course, if we’re “just going with the flow,” that means I can sleep with other women -- and remember, you really can’t get mad when I do. Ditto if I actually fall in love with (and commit to..) someone else.

And how about when he tells her...

You’re different from the other women I’ve been with.
You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Translation: You make me feel desired, attractive, special, and unconditionally loved. And I get to feel all that just being me, without needing to give you what you want and deserve. Most women can't/won't do that.

Hey, I don't personally know Jen, but I'm betting that she IS the best thing that's ever happened to this guy! But that's not enough to sustain her. No wonder she's feeling torn and confused.

Last but not least, here's what I consider to be one of the most popular Life Lines around today...

I’m commitment phobic.

Translation: It's not you -- it's me. Well, at least until I fall hard for someone else again. Meanwhile, I'm able and willing to receive your love. I'm just not willing and able to give you the same kind of love in return. But please remember that I've been honest with you. So you can't be mad at me somewhere don't the road.

Most of us have been exactly where Jen is, grabbing on to and getting tangled up in those lines. But it doesn't happen without our consent. That's why the question really isn't, "If I am the best thing that ever happened to him, why isn't he in love with me?

The better question is, "Why am I spending any more of my precious time with a man who clearly isn't in love with me?"

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Jen asks herself that question...and gets herself disentangled.